It is not the divorce but the conflict arising after divorce the culprit of most psychological-adjustment problems the children are having. So, how to cease the post-divorce parental conflict from bursting must be given a premium importance by parents who want to have a healthy, happy and successful divorced children.

First let us identify the source of most post-divorce parental conflict. It is only when we are able to identify exactly the source of most post-divorce parental conflict that we are able to cease.

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“Mama stated there’d be days like this,” are strikingly honest lyrics that should be the introduction to the single dad’s national anthem. What mama didn’t state is that the days would sometimes go on, and on, and on, and on. It’s no secret that being a single parent is a tough job, and being a single mother is next to impossible, but being a single dad, now that is a death defying feat.

Single dads are not suppose to exits, it’s a sort of oxymoron; like marital bliss. Fortunately, any dad who takes on the role of single parent “by choice” should receive an Oscar; okay at least a Golden Globe. The knowledge that comes naturally to women does not exist in the pronominal character of a man.

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Once his brother came along, we were well stocked. But still we kept on buying more. And receiving more. And more.

Now I feel like we have reached saturation (I’m sure my kids would not agree!). To keep things from getting too overcrowded I now rotate the toys each month so that not all of them are on display or accessible at once. This helps revitalise their interest in them as well as keeping our home from looking like a discount toy outlet. When I change the toys over it is always interesting to watch my children actually playing with them and rediscovering old games and inventing new ones instead of just walking over them. You can even wrap some of them if they’re young and enjoy the excitement of ripping off wrapping paper.

I also do a similar exercise with books. We’ve some of those storage bins on castors and I divided the books (we have a lot!) into equal piles, put a pile in each storage bin and then numbered the outside so I would know what order to rotate them.

If you have a tent or dress up clothes make sure you rotate these too. We tried having a play tent permanently up but after a while the boys stopped ’seeing’ it. But if I take it down and then after a month or two put if back up, they do ’see’ it and come up with lots of play scenarios to care about.

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Is not it harmless for your kids to play this game? Afterall, you can take it. Well, it seems to me that blaming your mom for falling over when you were not looking where you were going isn’t that far removed from blaming the government that you can’t get a job after failing high school. When does the blaming end and taking responsibility for your own life start?

One of our jobs as parents is to teach our kids to be independent and able adults. Allowing them to blame other people for the consequences of their actions is not setting them on that path.

So what can you do? I tell my kids that if I could make them do things then I’d make them laugh or stand on their head or have turtle toes for breakfast (I do not even know if turtles have toes!) or make them run around in circles because I think it’s funny or…you get the idea. Usually the logic of what I am saying seeps through to them and they stop. Often times they begin laughing because it suddenly seems so ridiculous - what I tell them I’d make them do if I could but also the idea that someone else can make you do things you might not want to do. Sometimes if they really want to have a whinge and moan they will keep going but it isn’t as intense and they usually stop soon after.

Of course, it hasn’t stopped them doing it altogether. Seems that blaming other people is hard wired into all of us but they are definitely playing that game less. Here’s hoping that one day they do not need to play it at all!

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I don’t know what it is about putting on shoes but I used to have battles with both my kids to put their shoes on. I remember one time screaming at Jake to put his shoes on because I had told him, maybe ten times to do it, and he hadn’t. He was playing or getting distracted or pretending he didn’t know how. Then I lost it, he burst into tears and his shoes still weren’t on. I’m sure the neighbours must have thought I was balmy yelling about shoes! Before I became a mom I would never thought that I could end up screaming about something so trivial.

After I thought about what had happened and I was shocked that I had exploded over such a easy thing but as any parent knows it’s the easy things that trip you up. The positive out of all of that was that I knew there had to be a better way.

I started off by asking Jake to put his shoes on and then just expecting him to do it. I refused to repeatedly tell him what to do. That helped but it wasn’t quite enough. Then I started asking him what he needed to do to get ready and after a short period of time, bingo! He got that going out meant shoes on. Sure there was the odd grumble but nothing like before.

If you’re exhausted of being your child’s personal alarm then try asking them questions instead. Questions like ‘what do you need to do to get ready?’ if you’re going out somewhere. Or ‘what do you do after you’ve completed your dinner?’ when they get up and walk away from the dinner table with their plate and glass sitting where they left them. Or ‘do you have everything you need?’ when they are about to start their homework or go outside and play ball.

What is the difference between these two approaches? Well the first means you have to do all the thinking and all your child has to do is follow your instructions (it’s surprising how difficult that sometimes can seem for your child!). Don’t get me wrong there’s a time and place for straight out instructions but in many instances there’s a better way and that way is by asking questions in order to get your child to think for themselves about what they’re doing and what they need to do next. If you consistently use this strategy then over time you will not even need to ask the question to prompt them into action. They will just do what needs to be done. No, really, it does work. Give it a try, you might be surprised.

I’ve been following the ask, don’t tell strategy for some time now with my two boys and ok, we do have the odd hiccough in the system but on the whole it works well and saves me the endless round of rote orders.

The best evidence I’ve that it works is that when we are getting ready in the morning and I tell them I’m going upstairs to brush my teeth they know that’s their cue to put on their shoes, collect their bags and lunch boxes and strap themselves into the vehicle. Then I come down and off we go. It makes getting out the door soooo much easier.

There’s still the odd drama about which shoe goes on which foot or delays while they negotiate which toys to choose and take with them in the car but even in amongst all that, it is still a dramatically streamlined routine compared to what it was and as a result, the odd fuss can be easily accommodated and rarely escalates to a stand off.

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