Mother's Day has become a massive industry over the past few years as more and more companies tie in advertising to mother's day. But it is not all about what gifts you give or what you do for your mother on one particular day of the year.

As Mother’s Day approaches I would like to give a different perspective to ponder.

Being a parent and a mother are not necessarily the same. Parenting is a gender-neutral term and refers more to the management function (hearing kids read, being a cheerleader, confidante and behaviour management expert) while mothering, like fathering, is something more instinctive, more basic and more close to the bone.

Parenting can be taught but mothering is something to grow into. Mothering (and fathering) is generative in that it develops when you come into contact with children.

Mothering, like fathering, means different things to different people. Mothering is traditionally linked with nurturance and protection of the individual, while fathering is more usually linked with challenge for the individual (dads can be hard on some of their kids!!) and protection of the group or family. It has long been my contention that a child needs to be both mothered and fathered for healthy development to occur. That is, he or she needs to experience a mixture of nurturance and challenge. Sole parents need to be both mother and father to a child, which is hard work but millions of sole parents do it.

The instinctive nature of mothering comes to the fore many times throughout a child’s life, particularly when it is needed most. Most mothers generally instinctively know what a child needs at any given point in time yet many women don’t listen to, let alone trust, their instincts.

Mothers can be rejected temporarily by their children. For instance, young boys can sometimes turn away from their mothers in early primary school. A five or six year old boy may let his mum know that ‘being a big boy’ means that you no longer kiss him goodbye outside the school gate. Or an early adolescent girl may want to spend more time with her father than with her mother because they need affirmation from the main man in their lives at that time of change. That is the instinctive nature of raising kids and the nature of mothering.

If parenting is about the headspace of raising children then mothering (and fathering) is about the heart and soul of raising kids. As a parent you may work yourself out of a job as your children move into adulthood but as a mother you are never redundant. We grow away from our parents but we never grow away from our mothers and fathers. A mother only has to look at her child in a certain way to transport them back to childhood in an instant.

It is worth remembering that the parenting maybe transient as children grow up and leave home but mothering, like fathering, is something that will never end. It is for life!

If you want to honour your mother on mother's day, go right ahead but do it in a way that really expresses how you feel. Write her a letter telling her how much you appreciate her or give her something that you've made especially for her or do something that you know she will enjoy like a peppermint foot massage. Don't just buy a mother's day special and think that says it all.

Michael Grose is one of Australia's most popular parenting educators. The author of six books for parents Michael is in heavy demand as a speaker, writer and parenting educator. Visit www.parentingideas.com.au and subscribe to Happy Kids, his high quality fortnightly email newsletter or sign-up for one oh his free online courses.